Daw Aung San Suu Kyi's pages

Chief of the Triumvirate of Generals, Prime Minister Than Shwe had spent a sleepless night counting the number of black sheep he still needed to slaughter to ensure the lambs kept their silence, and upwardly of 5am mobiled his immediate subordinates, demanding in Myanmese newspeak that they meet ``spdc'' to ``slorc'' out a matter of utmost urgency. A little later as they huddled over breakfast of boiled eggs and ego sauce, he told Secretary #1 Khin Nyunt and Vice Chairman Maung Aye:

``Should have wrung her ruddy neck back in 1988 when opportunity knocked and we bludgeoned practically everyone else senseless. Who knows, we might even have got the Nobel for maintaining peace and quiet around this graveyard _ instead of that lipsticked loudmouth with flowers in her hair.''

Trying to calm the PM who looked like he'd just swallowed a rotten egg, Sec #1 said, ``Yes, we should have put her out of our misery long ago, but your predecessor Saw Maung was too soft. He hoped in vain she'd flee back to mama Britannia's biscuity arms. Good thing you got rid of him.

``Anyhow, we've got her under protective custody once again. We've even installed a piano so she can sing her slogans to the walls. The world will forget her soon enough. Hasn't that been the case these last 14 years?''

VC Maung Aye, superstitious like every proper Burmese and who once dreamt of a bayonet in his back and was watchful ever since, ventured guardedly: ``Yes, but this time the Burning Bush in the White House has, after scorching Afghanistan and Iraq, cast an eye in this direction. And the UN is already singing Please Release Me at candle-lit vigils. We must tread carefully _ this Pobble may have no toes but it has a Security Council. Then there's the Asean Regional Forum next week, where Powell will push for action against us...''

``Arf barf!'' barked PM Than Shwe. ``Asean will never impose economic sanctions against us. As for America and Europe, we couldn't care less. We don't have anything to export to them except unpatriotic displaced persons, and what we want we don't have to import at all, they're giving it to us for free _ and in the millions, supposedly to eradicate drugs and Aids.

``Just look at Thailand, our friendly fool of a neighbour. They were grovelling at our feet when last we closed the border. Their fishermen, gambling addicts and factory owners were threatening their own government because business got so bad. They're hooked on our drugs and casinos; they need our fishing grounds; their factories, farms and even households run on our labour, illegal or otherwise.

``And who knows better than their very own generals that the true colour of graft is green? That generals don't retire but find new aspirations to party the night away with political aplomb?

``No. We must stick to the rules of our Old World Disorder. Ethnic cleansing must go on, for war is peace; our people's slavery ensures our freedom and their ignorance is our strength. That Orwell was a smart chap, no doubt; his days in Mandalay certainly showed us the proper road to condescension.

``By the way, I'm going kill the cook for this lousy breakfast. But first, to the matter at hand with an iron fist,'' and cracked the table with a bang. VC Maung Aye jumped, but Sec #1 spoke first. ``I suggest we bundle her out of the country secretly, announce she's been kidnapped by anti-government goondas to God knows where, let in Hans Blix to search the place high and low, thereby giving no reason for outsiders to interfere in our infernal affairs. Then we'll quietly inform our Thai friends which Bangkok spa she's relaxing in _ and let Thaksin, who loves the limelight, take the credit for saving her.''

VC Maung Aye piped in: ``But first we should visit Mt Popa near Pagan to consult the oracle of the celestial Nats...''

``Have you gone nuts, Aye?'' PM Than Shwe grunted. ``Nyunt, has the fellow flipped? You both know my astrologer's told me not to leave home without him _ and he's gone across the border to renew my credit card. We'll consult him about the plan when he returns. Meanwhile, don't breathe a word to anyone. In fact, don't breathe at all if you can help it.''